Chairchu's Journey

Things are not getting better at all. I feel that I am losing grip of my life, like a puppet just being string along daily, by everyone and everything. I feel like a good for nothing who can do nothing right. Not even in things that I am interested in. Heck, I don’t even think I am getting the basics right, like breathing and even the use of vocal cords to talk or sing. At this point of time, I’m questioning why am I even on Earth and whether there’s any purpose for me to live on for. Practically speaking, I am just a waste of Earth’s resources because I am a good-for-nothing.  There was a point of time in life when I felt genuinely happy and felt contented. Now, I feel there’s no substance to my life — empty and just unhappy. Happiness seem unfamiliar, as though it’s a myth. I don’t know who I was, who I am. I don’t know what I wanna be. Dodo asked what do I wanna achieve, and the only thing I want to be now is happy. Len said I used to be cheerful and kind. Sweets said she saw me...

Aiks, once again, it's been a while since I update. Usually, when I update here, it's meant to be a post to vent out something that's upset me. But this entry, is a happy one. A few weeks ago, I submitted a request for a 1 month unpaid leave. Reason being, I want to take care of my mental and emotional health. The management was very understanding and they allowed me so. I even started the unpaid leave early so I'd have a total of 5 weeks to myself without work. When the unpaid leave started, Lottichu suggested I can take up Vtubing. Just to see if it's something that would interest me and where I could go with that. When I was younger, I'd wanted to be a radio DJ but as time goes, my interest directed to streaming. (Shall have another post on this interest.) At that point of time, I was feeling low and hardly anything interested me, so I decided why not? To be honest, I am someone who can hardly entertain the thought of stepping out of my comfort zone. As much ...

It shouldn't be this way. That I have to remind you even the simplest of things. Such as holding my hands, Or hugging me. Asking about my day. Or being concerned about my family because they should be yours too. I am seriously tired of having to ask those of you. Because it makes me feel like I am seeking charity. This is not love. I don't feel it anymore.

兩個人在一起到底是為了什麼？ 如果一開始因為在一起快樂， 那兩個人不能讓彼此快樂時， 還在一起嗎？ 如果一開始因為愛才在一起， 那兩個人不愛，也不懂愛時， 還在一起嗎？ 或許，繼續在一起是為了當初不離不棄的承諾。 但如果這「不離不棄」變成了負擔和累贅呢？ 所以，兩個人在一起到底是為了什麼？

He didn't remember that today is Valentine's. Until when Wil korkor wished everyone a Happy Valentine's in the group chat. Of course I am disappointed. But... What was I expecting, right? Thing's have changed long ago. I don't remember ever feeling so lonely on Valentine's, even when I was single.

I can’t get anything right, can I? That’s why I’m always left behind. That’s why I’m always being given up on. I’m never ever good enough for anything or anyone. I’m sorry for even existing. I want to cease to exist but I cannot even do that because my mum will be so sad. But I’m tired of pretending I am okay. I am not. 

These days, I just feel like I am never enough. I am never enough to my parents because I'm the daughter who cannot do anything right and still make them worry even at the age of 27. Perhaps life would be better for them if I wasn't around to be a burden? I am never enough to my younger brother because I wasn't there for him in moments he needed me when he was growing up. Perhaps life would be better for him if I continued being absent? I am never enough to my husband who thinks I am hot-headed and is no longer worth his effort or loving, who thinks I did nothing much for him in our time together and wants to be without me. Perhaps life would be better for him if I cease to exist because till death do us apart and he wants to be apart. I was never enough for my first workplace where I was told working hard wasn't enough and that I should work smart. Things look great for them since I left. I am never enough for my current workplace where my lady boss will look for the o...

Was reading back on our old messages. Just a few months ago, you were visiting a friend and we were saying his child is cute. You said we’ll make a baby. Just a few months ago, we were still using cute stickers and you were still coaxing me when I was upset. You were so sweet. It’s so painful watching your love for me slipping away. It’s hard to believe you’re not intentionally hurting me to make me let go. You’re cruel. The fact that you can treat me so cruelly and coldly is hurtful. Then again, I’ve made you go through the same pain. So naturally, I deserve all of these right? What goes around comes around, which is why I’m dealing with that I made you went through. But whatever you made me go through… Perhaps one day you’ll understand how cruel it is. To drop someone from where they were, and watch them fall.

Me: Let me help with the dishes! Bro: No, very squeezy, will wash very slow. I solo is faster. Me: But Jessica wash together with you. Bro: That’s why slow. HAHAHAHAHA. Savage as ever this brother of mine.

  我搞不懂，我們到底怎麼了？ 我想不懂，我們的愛怎麼了？

Finally got to meet Boon after his 2 weeks reservice and 1 week of emotional ordeal with dasao and her fur baby. He treated me dinner, so I am happy! We had Koh's & Grills. I dk why I'm recounting in such elementary English but I guess anything works, since I just wanna note down this happy memory. 绳子断了再系上就会有个结，你总说事情已经过去， 你怎么还斤斤计较，因为吞下委屈的不是你 !

It’s more than a month since that Saturday. I’m in so much pain every day. Save me. 

[08:42] We met in the lift today. You look as good as ever. Memories of our private moments in the lift came flashing back. Moments where you’d give me hugs and pats on the back before we start a long day. Moments where I’ll just lean in on you to have a quick charge up before we hold hands and walk to the office together. Truth is, I miss you and our little moments a lot. It hurts so much to see you turn from my supply of love and warmth to someone who I can no longer lean in physically for support because that will make you comfortable. [10:30] I don’t know why, so many memories are rushing back to me now, mainly moments where I raged and said things I wish I can take them all back. I wonder if there were things you said that you regretted too? [17:45] Today is one of those days where a lot of memories, regrets come rushing back. My whole morning to afternoon was filled with dark thoughts. “You’re not good enough that’s why he stopped trying.” “You’re a rejected good from a failed ma...

[17:37] It still pains me to leave office without you. Or see you leave without me. What do I do with this pain? [17:39] Streamed for ANLCOTY 2021 yesterday. Went to meet the wansui cuties, gude after that with Doro. The cuties gave me an Octopus that can flip inside out with a different expression. They’re also thoughtful. They said they specially picked a red one cuz they know I love red. I don’t think they know how happy it made me. ❤️

[11:53] Yesterday, I made my own kimbap! With assistance. Hahaha. Sometimes I feel okay. Sometimes, I don’t feel okay at all. It feels that there were too many misunderstandings, too much miscommunication (or rather, lack of communication). It hurts to feel like I have been given up on, that I have never been good enough for him.  [13:06] Me: Have you seen the card that I wrote? <refers to the anniversary card I passed him two days ago> Him: Ya. Nice card. Me: Ohh… Why didn’t you say anything? Him: Don’t know. Thank you for the card. I didn’t prepare anything. Hahhah. Silly boy. It’s not like I expected him to prepare anything given the circumstance. A “thank you” would have sufficed. What do I do with all these pain.

[07:12] We did have dinner at Marche yesterday. It will take some time before I can feel that I am okay. 3 years ago, I signed papers because I loved him. 3 years later, I agreed to sign the papers because I love him. 3 years ago, he cried on our wedding because he loved me. 3 years later, I cried on our anniversary because I love him. Before we had dinner, I asked him a list of questions that I had in mind in the car. We spent a long time in the carpark with me crying and him being honest to my questions. Throughout, he kept checking if I was angry with him and saying that he’s a bad person. I gave him sayangs and told him he deserved the sayangs. He said he didn’t because he was a bad person for making me sad. Even at this critical moment, he left the ball in my court and told me if I decide against signing the papers, he’ll just do his best to “rediscover himself” while with me. He said he’s already made his point, why signing the paper was important, how he could focus on himself b...

[07.46] These days, I’ve been looking back on some of the memories we created. Tbh, I do that from time to time. Just that I do it even more recently. I looked back at blog posts, Instagram posts and just a few moments ago, our chat log on Facebook Messenger. Everything suggested that you really loved me. There was an earnest vibe to your words, your expressions and your actions. What changed? [12:40] Recently, Lenny does seem more expressive. Can tell through the little things. Earlier on, he was explaining about how he was right that a machine at our office wasn’t not working and the reason was not what the supplier insisted. He used terms like “af” and “shit”. I know he uses “shit” hahaha, especially when he’s really bothered. Just find it slightly amusing still. 

[11:06] I feel like taking a long break. From work, from people. For some reason, I wish to be on my own. I want some time to myself to sort out my belongings, to tidy up my bedroom (and possibly my home). I want some time to myself so I can learn how to cook, how to sew. I want some time to myself so I can catch up on my games, and my work out routine. This is one of the toughest crossroads I've ever been stuck in. Honestly, I don't know what to do. Relationship is not everything in life, but it can have a big impact on life. What do I do with so much pain inside me?

[07:24] I woke up feeling a sense of dread and emptiness. Was it because he didn’t see my Instagram story? I had wanted him to see because it summarised what happened between us. Was it because he hasn’t take any initiative to contact me since we started living separately? He seems to be doing so well without me. Was it because I am still trying to get settled down in the new routine and I miss having him around so much? The occasional cuddles and sayangs when I asked (now I cannot even have it). Was it because I felt unwanted? Cuz I keep feeling as though I am not worth any of his effort to communicate and that our relationship wasn’t worth any of his effort to salvage. Was it because I dread the way that we have to enter and leave office separately? The daily reminder that we can be under the same roofs but our hearts are not in the same space? I was reading back my old entries previously. And I know I truly loved him with all I have. Was my love not enough?     [08:20] ...

The little girl climbed onto her mother’s laps and wrapped her arms around her mother’s neck. The man saw the empty seat on his left where his daughter left and took it. The woman patted the little girl gently and occasionally looked at her.  The man adjusted the mask the little girl is wearing and looked lovingly at her. The couple then engaged in a conversation. It was soft and gentle, maybe in consideration that their daughter was napping. Even with the masks on, they can be seen smiling through their eyes. I pinned for such a life not long ago, yet at this moment it seems like the last thing I’d have. I miss my husband, the man who teared when he said “I do” on our wedding.

Earlier on in the office, I had a question for both Winson and Lenson. Perhaps it was my bad, I didn't start the conversation by addressing them both since only the three of us were in the office. I asked if it was possible to finish the milling and fitting of a Dr's case by 24th. Winson asked Lenson and Lenson replied Winson and Winson replied to me. Winson asked me a question, I replied, Winson repeated to Lenson and Lenson replied to Winson, and Winson replied to me. It hurt me, why Lenson couldn't have just directly replied to me. Regardless of what happened between us, this is workplace still. As much as it is difficult, the priority was still getting work going. That communication was inefficient. Moreover, it was just 2 days ago when Winson said he doesn't want to be sandwiched between Lenson and I so all the more he shouldn't have to be the "Messenger" in Lenson and my communication. I couldn't help but think if it was someone else doing the as...

It hurts to see the threads coming undone one by one, and not being able to do anything, not knowing how to do anything. But it also hurts to have to be the one un-weaving what ever that remains. --- The cracks in our relationship have been surfacing for a while. Him feeling more withdrawn, me pointing out there I felt something changing, but nothing really improved despite my attempt to communicate and understand. Throughout the one year plus, I felt like I keep hitting walls after walls trying to understand him, improve our relationship. At first, I thought it was work that took his attention away from us. So I tried to keep myself busy too. Hanging out with my own friends, busy with my own games, taking up a new language. It wasn't until our convo that Saturday did I realise perhaps it wasn't work taking his attention away from us, but him choosing to give his attention to work instead because he wants to withdraw. “爱你怎么会是这个结果。” “对不起，长大太慢，害你遗失了我。”  “我说的每句话你都已听不见， 回忆的一幕幕不断地在浮...

While reviewing the things I wrote, I realised so many drafts were waiting for me to fill up the content. But so much time had passed (some drafts went back to 2018 and yet still empty with only the title filled), so I kinda forgot what happened. Decided to post those drafts with empty content and title anyway! At least those moments are still marked, in this little way.

Lenson and I signed up for driving classes. Everything sounded so confusing when the admin was explaining the process. There's this test to take, that test to take. Omg. Little did I know, it wasn't that confusing. The whole process from signing up to obtaining the driving license is essentially broken down into this: 1. Signing up. [Done on 18 Oct 2019] I paid a total of $203.43 (including $160 enrolment fee, $1.70 eyesight test, $6 digital photo fee). 2. Basic Theory Evaluation Test (have to book slot from online). [Done on 18 Nov 2019] This is essentially the same as the actual test but the score is not recorded. Besides the Evaluation Test, I also went through some test questions online to help prepare myself 3. Basic Theory Test (have to book slot from online). [Done on 22 Nov 2019] Basic Theory Test focused mainly on road signs and road markings 4. Final Theory Evaluation Test. [Done on 11 Dec 2019] Same as Basic Theory Evaluation. The score is not recor...

I was plagued with the habit of picking my nails throughout my life as long as I can remember. It stayed with me through primary, secondary school and all the way into my adult life even after graduating from university. While I was growing up, I tried so many methods to stop the picking habits. There were so many warnings and encouragements too. Methods such as sticking plasters over my nails, dipping them in weird stuff, putting transparent nail polish. Encouragements such as "if they can do it so can you, if you want to look pretty on your wedding day" and warnings such as "having such short nails give you adverse health effects". Needless to say, all those methods, encouragements and warnings did not work. It bothered me, each time I hang out with new friends. How do I shake hands with them without them noticing the short nails. It make me insecure in front of the guy I liked. How do we hold hands without him noticing this imperfection of mine. Throughout my lif...

It wasn't always like this, I have no idea why either. Perhaps it was the growth of social media feeding me of what beauty and perfection means. Perhaps it was just me feeling more self-conscious and wanting to age with no regrets. Why is it that other girls have pretty nails while I don’t even dare to show my hands and shake the hands of others? Why is it that other girls look so good in all their clothes while fats seem to be oozing through the tubes of whatever pants I put on? What is it that other girls have beautiful big eyes while my eyes look like a line in photographs? Why is it that other girls have such cheerful smiles when I look like I have a sunken face? Am I starting to sound superficial until this point? It probably is, but I don't want to be hence the thoughts that follow. Like many, I was conscious of my appearance to the point where I loathed looking at the mirror, at myself. However, I remain my stand that I know the image we see on social media and advertise...

Today, I felt invisible and small at work. It was not one incident, but the accumulation of many many. Whether colleagues rather approach someone else even though I was available, or someone outside the office told me I don't know anything about what's going on and ask to speak to someone else instead. It took me some time to regain my composure and I think I did my best at that moment to handle the emotions. This year, I strive to stay focused in my journey of self-love. There is so much to learn about loving oneself. It can be, but it's not always about the aesthetic. Self-love is doing things that make me happy. Self-love is pushing myself to be better. Self-love is not being too hard on myself when I don't do well. Fats are stubborn, but I shall persevere. People can be nasty, but I am shall not be fazed. Now that I got the more emotional part out, I shall move on to the happy things that happened at work! WS knew I was upset about the nasty client so when he went t...

If I were to choose only 2 games that I will be able to play for the rest of my life, it will be Audition (Next Level or whatever server exist), and Dota2. Today, I got a Dota2 lesson. It was helpful to a certain extent as I recap on the basics. I also picked up a new Hero, Shadow Shaman. Since I got some time before bed time, I decided to play one round on my own. I started a Medium bots game and Mel checked in on me. With that, we started a Medium bot. I picked Shadow Shaman and Mel picked Pudge. Playing with Mel is always so chill. HAHAHA. Though years passed, he is still as patient and encouraging as I remembered. When I got a kill, he's use the "affirmative" wheel chat. When I got kills, he would say "stronk" HAHAHAH. It was honestly funny cuz the credits definitely didn't go to me but he'd be so encouraging. Throughout the game, he explained the new updates to me via the game chat. Things like the outpost, the neutral items, things I could buy. How...

Actually, I had no idea why I added him. I was half expecting him not to expect but still half expecting he would. Am not sure if we would ever talk. Regardless, I am thankful!

I miss the feeling of dating. As life becomes more overwhelmed with work and other commitments, the sparks of a relationship and the priority of it kinda gave way. I miss the late night dates. I miss the unexpected and playful kisses and touches. I miss the flirting on texts.

Friendships and relationships are like blankets. They form thread by thread, each thread representing an element, a memory, a moment that contributes to the coming together of the end product. The higher the thread count, the more ideal it is. Like good blankets, good friendships and relationships can hold you and give you a sense of security, protect you from the cold yet not too warm to the point of suffocating. When they look their best, you'll never trade it for anything. As blankets wear and tear, so do friendships and relationships. One day it look no different from their best and the next moment, there are missing patches. There you are wondering, what happened overnight? The truth is, it didn't happen overnight. It happened over time. The threads got unwoven, one by one. A thread came undone when one party starts slacking on the catching up, on the checking in. Slowly gone was the interest in each others' lives. A thread came undone when one party stops sharing the ...

2020 is truly a year of ups and downs. I never liked setting resolutions for a new year because resolutions hardly come true. If anyone ever ask me what my resolution is, my answer is mostly just "to be a better version of myself, to be better than I was". Which may sound generic but is generally what I really am aiming for. I remember there was a time when I was felt distraught and miserable over work and Boon was counselling (or rather, coaching) me. Throughout the whole coaching, he kept asking me this one question which stayed until now. "What's stopping you from reaching what you want?" So... 2020 is a year where I finally decided to do something about what I don't like about my life, as well as trying things that I have never done before! COVID-19 came in to join the 2020 party uninvited. While it made a mess of everything, it gave me a time-out to sort out my quarter-life crisis. The time-out also allowed me to make a few upgrades in my life. Computer...

I've always wanted to be a radio DJ. More than that, I would have loved to be a commentator for games. Because then it would be a combination of my life-long ambition and my passion (gaming). I got my chance on 8 March to be the caster in the streaming of the Road to Audition SG/MY Championship 2020! In a bid to revive the dying SG community for Audition, Rem put in a huge load of effort in organising tournaments. The past events were mostly held at GG Cyber Cafe, if not Panda Q. This time though, it was help at Bountie Arena which sounds grander already just by the name of it. In reality, it is really quite a magnificent LAN shop. I mean, it has a lot of computers, private rooms suitable for meetings and strategy discussion, a stage with 5 computers lined up on the left and right side of the stage like the eSports arena. Down the stage, there were tables and chairs where people can see a big screen and the stage. Yes, there was a big screen that projected the stream tha...

A few months ago, Lotti introduced me to an anime called "The King's Avatar". Now... I am not a fan of anime. I do watch them from time to time based on friend's recommendation but there wasn't an anime that I am such a huge fan of that I would rewatch again and again. But I did, for this particular one. For various reasons! The voice over for the main character is captivating. I love it. It revolves around gaming. Super relevant to me. Great plot with awesome morals to learn. One of the lines that I take away from the anime was: “只不过是从头再来罢了。” Recently, the drama version of the anime came out. What I like about it is that they actually placed even more emphasis on the moral values that we can learn. One particular scene that stuck with me is this: “杯子变花瓶，换个方式从新开始。” In this scene, the Lady Boss was upset because she thought that Ye Xiu (the legendary professional gamer) has exited the professional realm and she would never see him again, unknow...

Not much explanation is needed for the content of this post. After struggling for 9 months, yes, I have submitted the letter. The letter was first drafted last year, after I got to know of the promotion and pay raise that I did not have. Then subsequently revised a few more times to dampen the angst and steer it towards a more professional tone. Despite preparing for this moment for months, it was still a tough decision to make even until the point where I hit "Enter" to send it out. What am I going to do after submitting this letter? Will I be able to deal with the uncertainties. Where am I going to head to after my last day of work? Can I handle what is about to come? Amidst these myriads of thoughts, I still come to the same conclusion that this wasn't a rash decision and it was a careful choice that I have decided on albeit not the smartest one that I could have made. Between money and sanity, I chose the latter. Together with my dignity.

A lot of exciting has been happening in my life. Good things, messy things. But there is just no time to update this page. Hopefully there will be a day where I can just sit down to update all the exciting shit. At this point though, I just really wish for a time out from everything.

When I was using Dayre, I wrote diligently all the time. It was convenient to post something and I wish Blogger made it easier for me to write my thoughts out too. Under Google, I thought Blogger would grow and become better. Yet it has remain stagnant for a pretty long time and I guess it's expected. Blogging seem to be less popular now since there are so many other ways to share out one's thoughts. Despite lapsing in my entries, blogging still holds a very special meaning to me. I still look back at my past entries. Good or bad memories, I am thankful they were recorded. It reminded me of things I want to remember, and reminded me of the lessons I learned when I recall things I don't want to. It's 3.46pm in the day as I am writing this. Sitting down on a canteen table at UWC East. Working here is more peaceful than working in the office somehow. Maybe this is how people feel when they work at a cafe, although... I still remain my stand that I will be even more dis...

Lenson adjusted the alarm on his phone. I laid on his arm, head resting against his chest. Him: Don't look, the screen is bright. Me: But you are brighter. Us: Wooooooo smooth. --- Throughout the months, I am always reminded of how he bought me the new phone I always wanted -- A phone with bigger screen, and in red. And we're both seasoned Apple users so I really wasn't looking at any other brands anymore. I enjoy using both Apple and Android by the way. Just prefer Apple more, simply because the phone lasts longer without lagging, and I am more comfortable with the OS. Between fashion and gadgets, I might just choose gadgets every single time. All these devices fascinates me. From the aesthetic, to the interface and user experience. The other day, we went to Orchard and walked by Apple. We went in and as usual, felt around the few main products that we like. Namely, the iPhones (XR, XS, XS Max), and the iPads (different sizing of the newest m...

Me: I can't imagine myself with anyone else. Him: Then don't. --- It's been a whirlwind recently. CNY gatherings, juggling with different projects at work. My mood has been going up and down. Tonight is one of those nights when I feel blessed. Blessed because I am working together with my best friend. Blessed because my husband is so supportive in every way he can, whether it's looking out for my happiness, or literally helping me with my work. I cherish my relationship with everyone around me -- my family, friends, significant other. Sometimes, I give more thought about one aspect more than the other. The eyeshadow incident on 16 Feb triggered me to think more about the importance of choosing the right partner. I used to be doubtful when people said, "You'll know when you meet the right one." But then I met Lenson and I felt that those people were right. I don't know how to express how thankful I am for Lenson but let me just try. H...