16th Nov 2021: Why is everything so heavy?

By Posted on
These days, I just feel like I am never enough.

I am never enough to my parents because I'm the daughter who cannot do anything right and still make them worry even at the age of 27. Perhaps life would be better for them if I wasn't around to be a burden?

I am never enough to my younger brother because I wasn't there for him in moments he needed me when he was growing up. Perhaps life would be better for him if I continued being absent?

I am never enough to my husband who thinks I am hot-headed and is no longer worth his effort or loving, who thinks I did nothing much for him in our time together and wants to be without me. Perhaps life would be better for him if I cease to exist because till death do us apart and he wants to be apart.

I was never enough for my first workplace where I was told working hard wasn't enough and that I should work smart. Things look great for them since I left.

I am never enough for my current workplace where my lady boss will look for the other admin all the time. Perhaps things would be better if I left so they can free up resources for a better team player.

It hurt when my own mother told me I was too sensitive. I'm sorry for having feelings.

It hurt when my husband told me he felt nothing for me, and that he believes we're not compatible. I'm sorry for being jealous, caring too much, for existing, for not being the one you want.

It hurt when my lady boss immediately asked for the other admin all the time. I'm sorry for even coming to work.

I tried my best.
But my best was not enough.
Times and times, again and again, I am just being given up on.

I am but a mere passing breeze to everyone, everywhere.
My departure from this world would make no difference.

Only, I wish my presence did.

If this ends up being my last post ever...
Thank you to all who've ever accepted me.
Sorry to those who I've hurt, because I am just not good enough.

xx

Holding on, why is everything so heavy?
Holding on, to so much more than I can carry.

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