20th Sep 2021: 2 Days to 3rd Weddding Anniversary

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[07:24]

I woke up feeling a sense of dread and emptiness.

Was it because he didn’t see my Instagram story? I had wanted him to see because it summarised what happened between us.

Was it because he hasn’t take any initiative to contact me since we started living separately? He seems to be doing so well without me.

Was it because I am still trying to get settled down in the new routine and I miss having him around so much? The occasional cuddles and sayangs when I asked (now I cannot even have it).

Was it because I felt unwanted? Cuz I keep feeling as though I am not worth any of his effort to communicate and that our relationship wasn’t worth any of his effort to salvage.

Was it because I dread the way that we have to enter and leave office separately? The daily reminder that we can be under the same roofs but our hearts are not in the same space?

I was reading back my old entries previously. And I know I truly loved him with all I have. Was my love not enough?
 
 
[08:20]
 
Lenny arrives very early in the office nowadays. And leaves quite on time.

I was just thinking, perhaps the reason why I dread entering and leaving the office without him is another reminder of how I arrived late into this life, and then seemingly have to watch him leave. It's painful.

But I feel heartened that he shared about his car today. It's a BMW model that we both like. He went out with Bong for a car shoot.

I asked if it was comfortable to drive. He said he was still trying to get into a comfortable position. I wonder if I ever get a chance to drive it too.

I miss going on joyride with him.

Before the convo ended, we smiled at each other. I love that smile.

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