Chairchu's Journey

To be honest, I am still lacking motivation to get anything going at work. I am still feeling angry, hurt, and disappointed.

When bad things happen, they hit all at once. I started work at this company, motivated and filled with drive. Wanting to do my best and excel. Wanting to grow with the company. I dare to swear that I have put in my best effort. To manage a damned and plagued project. The project didn't start it out like that though. At first, I was told if this project took off, the company would give me some sort of equity. I didn't take it too seriously because it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to learn, to grow, to gain more experience. Whether it's handling clients, pitching about the project, closing the deal and actually deploying the machines out. But because of what the boss said, I got the impression that this company is one that recognizes an employee's effort, and has no qualms about paying its employees what they are worth. With such an idea, I carried hope and took on this project as had pride in it. It was an interesting concept with people who were willin...

When this batch of two interns from RP came, I tried to be friendly to them but end up realising they aren't very keen in opening up. They were quiet, only spoke to each other, or the other intern and technicians. Somehow, they had their guards up when speaking to me, Lotchu, boss or our developers. I remember vividly that I mentioned to them that this is a place where they get to be very hands on. They will always have something to do. But if there is something they prefer doing over another, they should have no qualms about bringing it up. From my side convos with them, short ones, during lunch breaks, I understood that both the interns from RP prefers hands-on work to sitting down and handling admin work. It all started when they asked if they can go for Friday prayers. Knowing that it was religious and important, I said okay. They had always completed their work on time then, and it was fine as long as they came back on time. Recently, Boss feedback that they have a ver...

It felt calm and peaceful. Then it hits me all at once. I overestimated myself on the ability to handle. I allowed myself to break down yesterday and I am letting that happen today too. Work had only just started and I feel so drained already. It feels like my world is crashing down on me. I miss how I look forward to coming to work and getting things going. Now, it seems like whatever I do isn't enough. Maybe this workplace just isn't for me. . . . Boss had a talk with me. I felt much better about that. Growth is tough.

It's yet another period of time when I didn't blog again. Time to back track on certain dates and fill in the memories before I forget and regret next time. The dream I had this morning was bad. I cannot recall exactly what happened in the dream but there was this one scene. In that scene, the suicidal feeling overwhelmed me. I desperately needed comfort but there was no one who could understand me. Not sure if that's a reflection of how I felt from a conversation I had with Lenson before sleeping. Then I saw Kimchu and we made eye contact. Throughout all these years, Kimchu has played a very special role in my life. She's a pillar of support, my best friend who also feels like my sister and someone who sometimes understand me more than I understand myself. Naturally, I looked at her but she turned away and chased after someone else. Maybe someone that I pissed off prior to the eye contact. In another scene, I was walking along, with a primary school classmate w...

I've been through a few POP but this is the one I feel proudest of. My own baby brother is going to POP! He has grown so much. It makes me emotional everytime I look at his baby photo. Lenson originally couldn't come partly because he had work, partly because there was no extra tickets for him. Luckily for us, Keith managed to get us an extra! We collected right at the entry point where he was there on duty. Super grateful!!! It was raining so heavily. But our anticipation didn't waver. It paid off to see my baby brother marching out so smartly. So much lovesssss!!! Wanted to have dinner together but there was some miscommunication + time constraint so he ended up eating with his girlfriend while Lenson and I ate with my parents. Hehe!