18th Sep 2021: Song Lyrics That Describe Now, Start of Gratitude Journal

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It hurts to see the threads coming undone one by one, and not being able to do anything, not knowing how to do anything. But it also hurts to have to be the one un-weaving what ever that remains.

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The cracks in our relationship have been surfacing for a while. Him feeling more withdrawn, me pointing out there I felt something changing, but nothing really improved despite my attempt to communicate and understand.

Throughout the one year plus, I felt like I keep hitting walls after walls trying to understand him, improve our relationship. At first, I thought it was work that took his attention away from us. So I tried to keep myself busy too. Hanging out with my own friends, busy with my own games, taking up a new language.

It wasn't until our convo that Saturday did I realise perhaps it wasn't work taking his attention away from us, but him choosing to give his attention to work instead because he wants to withdraw.

“爱你怎么会是这个结果。”

“对不起，长大太慢，害你遗失了我。” 

“我说的每句话你都已听不见，
回忆的一幕幕不断地在浮现。”


At this moment, the wounds are still fresh. A lot of things have been happening, and I am honestly trying to survive. In some moments, I feel warmth and filled with hope because of the love and kindness from people around me. In some moments, I just want to die because I am filled with so much hurt and pain.

Blogging has always been a way for me to sort out my thoughts. So I'll be turning to blogging for a while. But instead of just a space to record negative feelings, I want to fill this space with positive vibes too.

The Law of Attraction says, what you think about and thank about, you bring about. As such, I will be starting a gratitude journal. I will try to write it daily, if not as often as possible. I want to remind myself of all the good fortune that the Universe bestowed upon me.

Some time ago, my MIL also requested that L and I think about 10 things we want to change about ourselves, write it on a list and send it to her. There were a few that I thought about, that L said I need to be mindful of, and a few I thought on my own. That shall be my next entry.

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面临着十字路口的我该怎么选择?

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