Chairchu's Journey

It’s more than a month since that Saturday. I’m in so much pain every day. Save me. 

[08:42] We met in the lift today. You look as good as ever. Memories of our private moments in the lift came flashing back. Moments where you’d give me hugs and pats on the back before we start a long day. Moments where I’ll just lean in on you to have a quick charge up before we hold hands and walk to the office together. Truth is, I miss you and our little moments a lot. It hurts so much to see you turn from my supply of love and warmth to someone who I can no longer lean in physically for support because that will make you comfortable. [10:30] I don’t know why, so many memories are rushing back to me now, mainly moments where I raged and said things I wish I can take them all back. I wonder if there were things you said that you regretted too? [17:45] Today is one of those days where a lot of memories, regrets come rushing back. My whole morning to afternoon was filled with dark thoughts. “You’re not good enough that’s why he stopped trying.” “You’re a rejected good from a failed ma...

[17:37] It still pains me to leave office without you. Or see you leave without me. What do I do with this pain? [17:39] Streamed for ANLCOTY 2021 yesterday. Went to meet the wansui cuties, gude after that with Doro. The cuties gave me an Octopus that can flip inside out with a different expression. They’re also thoughtful. They said they specially picked a red one cuz they know I love red. I don’t think they know how happy it made me. ❤️

[11:53] Yesterday, I made my own kimbap! With assistance. Hahaha. Sometimes I feel okay. Sometimes, I don’t feel okay at all. It feels that there were too many misunderstandings, too much miscommunication (or rather, lack of communication). It hurts to feel like I have been given up on, that I have never been good enough for him.  [13:06] Me: Have you seen the card that I wrote? <refers to the anniversary card I passed him two days ago> Him: Ya. Nice card. Me: Ohh… Why didn’t you say anything? Him: Don’t know. Thank you for the card. I didn’t prepare anything. Hahhah. Silly boy. It’s not like I expected him to prepare anything given the circumstance. A “thank you” would have sufficed. What do I do with all these pain.

[07:12] We did have dinner at Marche yesterday. It will take some time before I can feel that I am okay. 3 years ago, I signed papers because I loved him. 3 years later, I agreed to sign the papers because I love him. 3 years ago, he cried on our wedding because he loved me. 3 years later, I cried on our anniversary because I love him. Before we had dinner, I asked him a list of questions that I had in mind in the car. We spent a long time in the carpark with me crying and him being honest to my questions. Throughout, he kept checking if I was angry with him and saying that he’s a bad person. I gave him sayangs and told him he deserved the sayangs. He said he didn’t because he was a bad person for making me sad. Even at this critical moment, he left the ball in my court and told me if I decide against signing the papers, he’ll just do his best to “rediscover himself” while with me. He said he’s already made his point, why signing the paper was important, how he could focus on himself b...

[07.46] These days, I’ve been looking back on some of the memories we created. Tbh, I do that from time to time. Just that I do it even more recently. I looked back at blog posts, Instagram posts and just a few moments ago, our chat log on Facebook Messenger. Everything suggested that you really loved me. There was an earnest vibe to your words, your expressions and your actions. What changed? [12:40] Recently, Lenny does seem more expressive. Can tell through the little things. Earlier on, he was explaining about how he was right that a machine at our office wasn’t not working and the reason was not what the supplier insisted. He used terms like “af” and “shit”. I know he uses “shit” hahaha, especially when he’s really bothered. Just find it slightly amusing still. 

[11:06] I feel like taking a long break. From work, from people. For some reason, I wish to be on my own. I want some time to myself to sort out my belongings, to tidy up my bedroom (and possibly my home). I want some time to myself so I can learn how to cook, how to sew. I want some time to myself so I can catch up on my games, and my work out routine. This is one of the toughest crossroads I've ever been stuck in. Honestly, I don't know what to do. Relationship is not everything in life, but it can have a big impact on life. What do I do with so much pain inside me?

[07:24] I woke up feeling a sense of dread and emptiness. Was it because he didn’t see my Instagram story? I had wanted him to see because it summarised what happened between us. Was it because he hasn’t take any initiative to contact me since we started living separately? He seems to be doing so well without me. Was it because I am still trying to get settled down in the new routine and I miss having him around so much? The occasional cuddles and sayangs when I asked (now I cannot even have it). Was it because I felt unwanted? Cuz I keep feeling as though I am not worth any of his effort to communicate and that our relationship wasn’t worth any of his effort to salvage. Was it because I dread the way that we have to enter and leave office separately? The daily reminder that we can be under the same roofs but our hearts are not in the same space? I was reading back my old entries previously. And I know I truly loved him with all I have. Was my love not enough?     [08:20] ...

The little girl climbed onto her mother’s laps and wrapped her arms around her mother’s neck. The man saw the empty seat on his left where his daughter left and took it. The woman patted the little girl gently and occasionally looked at her.  The man adjusted the mask the little girl is wearing and looked lovingly at her. The couple then engaged in a conversation. It was soft and gentle, maybe in consideration that their daughter was napping. Even with the masks on, they can be seen smiling through their eyes. I pinned for such a life not long ago, yet at this moment it seems like the last thing I’d have. I miss my husband, the man who teared when he said “I do” on our wedding.

Earlier on in the office, I had a question for both Winson and Lenson. Perhaps it was my bad, I didn't start the conversation by addressing them both since only the three of us were in the office. I asked if it was possible to finish the milling and fitting of a Dr's case by 24th. Winson asked Lenson and Lenson replied Winson and Winson replied to me. Winson asked me a question, I replied, Winson repeated to Lenson and Lenson replied to Winson, and Winson replied to me. It hurt me, why Lenson couldn't have just directly replied to me. Regardless of what happened between us, this is workplace still. As much as it is difficult, the priority was still getting work going. That communication was inefficient. Moreover, it was just 2 days ago when Winson said he doesn't want to be sandwiched between Lenson and I so all the more he shouldn't have to be the "Messenger" in Lenson and my communication. I couldn't help but think if it was someone else doing the as...

It hurts to see the threads coming undone one by one, and not being able to do anything, not knowing how to do anything. But it also hurts to have to be the one un-weaving what ever that remains. --- The cracks in our relationship have been surfacing for a while. Him feeling more withdrawn, me pointing out there I felt something changing, but nothing really improved despite my attempt to communicate and understand. Throughout the one year plus, I felt like I keep hitting walls after walls trying to understand him, improve our relationship. At first, I thought it was work that took his attention away from us. So I tried to keep myself busy too. Hanging out with my own friends, busy with my own games, taking up a new language. It wasn't until our convo that Saturday did I realise perhaps it wasn't work taking his attention away from us, but him choosing to give his attention to work instead because he wants to withdraw. “爱你怎么会是这个结果。” “对不起，长大太慢，害你遗失了我。”  “我说的每句话你都已听不见， 回忆的一幕幕不断地在浮...