26th May 2022: Oh How the Flames Have Turned

Things are not getting better at all.

I feel that I am losing grip of my life, like a puppet just being string along daily, by everyone and everything.

I feel like a good for nothing who can do nothing right. Not even in things that I am interested in. Heck, I don’t even think I am getting the basics right, like breathing and even the use of vocal cords to talk or sing. At this point of time, I’m questioning why am I even on Earth and whether there’s any purpose for me to live on for. Practically speaking, I am just a waste of Earth’s resources because I am a good-for-nothing. 

There was a point of time in life when I felt genuinely happy and felt contented. Now, I feel there’s no substance to my life — empty and just unhappy. Happiness seem unfamiliar, as though it’s a myth.

I don’t know who I was, who I am. I don’t know what I wanna be. Dodo asked what do I wanna achieve, and the only thing I want to be now is happy.

Len said I used to be cheerful and kind. Sweets said she saw me as someone who can light up the room. Kit said I had this warmth that made people want to make friends with me. That warmth seemed to have been injected with anger, along with other negative thoughts. If anything, it has evolved into a ring of fire that keeps people away.

Is there even anyone who can see through the ring of fire, and stay in it with me, hug me, talk to me about everything and anything until I feel okay and ready to face the world again? I do have an idea who would. Question is will they actually do that?

Or will I just be told again that I am overthinking, oversensitive? It’s always something wrong with me isn’t it.

I feel like I have been failing people’s expectations of me. I am tired of these expectations. I’m tired of having to remind people that I exist. I’m tired of nothing being able to do what I wanna do, or sucking so damn fucking much at what I wanna do. I am tired of being misunderstood.

I want an out.

An out from this world that I don’t belong in.