24th Dec 2018: One of the Most Dreadful Moments at Work
When bad things happen, they hit all at once.
I started work at this company, motivated and filled with drive. Wanting to do my best and excel. Wanting to grow with the company.
I dare to swear that I have put in my best effort. To manage a damned and plagued project.
The project didn't start it out like that though.
At first, I was told if this project took off, the company would give me some sort of equity. I didn't take it too seriously because it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to learn, to grow, to gain more experience. Whether it's handling clients, pitching about the project, closing the deal and actually deploying the machines out.
But because of what the boss said, I got the impression that this company is one that recognizes an employee's effort, and has no qualms about paying its employees what they are worth. With such an idea, I carried hope and took on this project as had pride in it.
It was an interesting concept with people who were willing to explore. But because it was a new concept, there were many uncertainties.
As the company took on more projects, less time was spent to deal with those uncertainties. These uncertainties led to clients lacking the confidence. These uncertainties led to the delay of paperwork and deployment.
After the ex manager left, I was assigned to deal with this project on my own. The uncertainties were still there. We were still stuck with paperwork. We were still lapsing in the deployment.
Meanwhile, Lotti joined the company. New projects were assigned to her. She grew, thrived and got promoted. Which I am truly happy about.
On the other hand, the Boss said he needed more time to see where I could shine at. And it will take him another 4 months or so to work something out for me. Apparently, promotion and pay raise didn't come easy. He told Lotti to keep her promotion from me.
4 months?
I have been here for 8 months. While Lotti got her promotion in 4 months, I needed to be assessed for another 4 more months? Even if I do get promoted, that's one year altogether for me to earn that.
Which is ridiculous in a company that is so small.
It led to me thinking. What have I been doing for the past 8 months? Are the project I worked on not projects? Was meeting clients just chitchat sessions to the Boss?
I have been MANAGING the VendCanteen project for the past 8 months. With no standard structure to follow. Today, 3 machines are deployed out there. 1 of which already started having food delivered to it. The sales of food will start on the other 2 machines within the next 2 weeks.
What do I get?
Being indirectly told that I am not good enough and the company doesn't know where my worth it.
So much for "open-communication". I cannot see how open this communication is when the boss have to tell my own colleague, my best friend, to hide the promotion from me, while he want to take his own sweet time, for the next 4 months to "work out something for me".
I didn't choose to work on this project. I didn't choose to be stuck with a fucking project that no one has time to give much fuck about. I wish to get out of this fucking project and do something more interesting where progress is faster and more obvious. I want to "actually manage" a project from start to finish and add on to my very own portfolio too.
With every minute spend on this project, it feels like I am just wasting my time. If the boss doesn't even sit down and work out the uncertainties with me, then why the fuck am I even allowing myself to be stuck in this project?
At the end, this job won't even add anything to my portfolio.
I feel burned out, alone, lost and unmotivated. The lack of progress isn't my fault alone to bear. Yet I am the one who's forced to take on the consequence.
After putting in so much effort. From "we can give you a certain amount of equity" to "we need more time to work out your worth" after 8 months of being stuck in a project alone with the least fucks given by others, I think I can honestly say I am done.
Boss wants to move the project to Phase 2 though. From hot food, he wants to start selling fruits too. And this is frankly too much for me to handle. It's like trying to stack more blocks on top of a wavering tower. Things don't work that way. The foundation is not even solid.
How can I be asked to do managerial job, at an executive level, then actually bringing the progress to the project only to be told the company still doesn't know my worth?
My resignation letter has been completed this morning. All I have to do is to change the date and it's good to go.
K, it has been great watching you grow from a small tomato to a bigger one every day. But I need a workplace that is more nurturing, and one that gives equal opportunity to all, without the need to hide new from one another.
If you don't appreciate me, then all the more I need to appreciate myself. And leaving is one of the best way to remove myself from all the toxicity of the project and how the boss manages the employees.
I started work at this company, motivated and filled with drive. Wanting to do my best and excel. Wanting to grow with the company.
I dare to swear that I have put in my best effort. To manage a damned and plagued project.
The project didn't start it out like that though.
At first, I was told if this project took off, the company would give me some sort of equity. I didn't take it too seriously because it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to learn, to grow, to gain more experience. Whether it's handling clients, pitching about the project, closing the deal and actually deploying the machines out.
But because of what the boss said, I got the impression that this company is one that recognizes an employee's effort, and has no qualms about paying its employees what they are worth. With such an idea, I carried hope and took on this project as had pride in it.
It was an interesting concept with people who were willing to explore. But because it was a new concept, there were many uncertainties.
As the company took on more projects, less time was spent to deal with those uncertainties. These uncertainties led to clients lacking the confidence. These uncertainties led to the delay of paperwork and deployment.
After the ex manager left, I was assigned to deal with this project on my own. The uncertainties were still there. We were still stuck with paperwork. We were still lapsing in the deployment.
Meanwhile, Lotti joined the company. New projects were assigned to her. She grew, thrived and got promoted. Which I am truly happy about.
On the other hand, the Boss said he needed more time to see where I could shine at. And it will take him another 4 months or so to work something out for me. Apparently, promotion and pay raise didn't come easy. He told Lotti to keep her promotion from me.
4 months?
I have been here for 8 months. While Lotti got her promotion in 4 months, I needed to be assessed for another 4 more months? Even if I do get promoted, that's one year altogether for me to earn that.
Which is ridiculous in a company that is so small.
It led to me thinking. What have I been doing for the past 8 months? Are the project I worked on not projects? Was meeting clients just chitchat sessions to the Boss?
I have been MANAGING the VendCanteen project for the past 8 months. With no standard structure to follow. Today, 3 machines are deployed out there. 1 of which already started having food delivered to it. The sales of food will start on the other 2 machines within the next 2 weeks.
What do I get?
Being indirectly told that I am not good enough and the company doesn't know where my worth it.
So much for "open-communication". I cannot see how open this communication is when the boss have to tell my own colleague, my best friend, to hide the promotion from me, while he want to take his own sweet time, for the next 4 months to "work out something for me".
I didn't choose to work on this project. I didn't choose to be stuck with a fucking project that no one has time to give much fuck about. I wish to get out of this fucking project and do something more interesting where progress is faster and more obvious. I want to "actually manage" a project from start to finish and add on to my very own portfolio too.
With every minute spend on this project, it feels like I am just wasting my time. If the boss doesn't even sit down and work out the uncertainties with me, then why the fuck am I even allowing myself to be stuck in this project?
At the end, this job won't even add anything to my portfolio.
I feel burned out, alone, lost and unmotivated. The lack of progress isn't my fault alone to bear. Yet I am the one who's forced to take on the consequence.
After putting in so much effort. From "we can give you a certain amount of equity" to "we need more time to work out your worth" after 8 months of being stuck in a project alone with the least fucks given by others, I think I can honestly say I am done.
Boss wants to move the project to Phase 2 though. From hot food, he wants to start selling fruits too. And this is frankly too much for me to handle. It's like trying to stack more blocks on top of a wavering tower. Things don't work that way. The foundation is not even solid.
How can I be asked to do managerial job, at an executive level, then actually bringing the progress to the project only to be told the company still doesn't know my worth?
My resignation letter has been completed this morning. All I have to do is to change the date and it's good to go.
K, it has been great watching you grow from a small tomato to a bigger one every day. But I need a workplace that is more nurturing, and one that gives equal opportunity to all, without the need to hide new from one another.
If you don't appreciate me, then all the more I need to appreciate myself. And leaving is one of the best way to remove myself from all the toxicity of the project and how the boss manages the employees.
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