10th Dec 2018: Bad Dream - Kimchu Leaving
It's yet another period of time when I didn't blog again. Time to back track on certain dates and fill in the memories before I forget and regret next time.
The dream I had this morning was bad. I cannot recall exactly what happened in the dream but there was this one scene.
In that scene, the suicidal feeling overwhelmed me. I desperately needed comfort but there was no one who could understand me. Not sure if that's a reflection of how I felt from a conversation I had with Lenson before sleeping. Then I saw Kimchu and we made eye contact.
Throughout all these years, Kimchu has played a very special role in my life. She's a pillar of support, my best friend who also feels like my sister and someone who sometimes understand me more than I understand myself. Naturally, I looked at her but she turned away and chased after someone else. Maybe someone that I pissed off prior to the eye contact.
In another scene, I was walking along, with a primary school classmate who I remembered was a premature baby. He was singing a lullaby that was supposed to calm me down but only made me felt more alone.
You thought the dream is bad. Reality seems equally bad. When I woke up, the overwhelming sense of stress hit me. I was not even at work and already I know that it's gonna be somewhat a shitty day because of all the bugs and glitches left hanging last week that we need to fix today.
I know I was very quiet this morning. There was so much going through my head but I couldn't find the right words to put them across. The result is a active mind and an unmotivated shell of mine.
True enough, this afternoon was a shipwrecked. We reached the deployment site late. The sales couldn't go as per normal because of a few issues that came altogether. I went into the situation expecting a large waves that I have to overcome one by one, but end up being hit by a tsunami wave.
I wasn't proud to say I broke down a little on site. But Shamil was a damn good support. He carried the fixing and responded to the team but I took some time to clear my mind to better think what I could do at that moment and what could we do to make future deployments smoother.
I am proud of myself though, for getting through and the ability to steer myself towards the positive side. Boss privately messaged me to clarify his intentions of the messages sent which I originally thought was harsh. That helped too.
I came to the conclusion that this workplace is crazy. But it's a crazy that I know will grind me to become better. I hope it's a crazy that I can match my crazy soul wavelength to (lol rare anime reference), and one that I can continue to handle.
My mind is totally exhausted now. So much so not even sleep can help now.
The dream I had this morning was bad. I cannot recall exactly what happened in the dream but there was this one scene.
In that scene, the suicidal feeling overwhelmed me. I desperately needed comfort but there was no one who could understand me. Not sure if that's a reflection of how I felt from a conversation I had with Lenson before sleeping. Then I saw Kimchu and we made eye contact.
Throughout all these years, Kimchu has played a very special role in my life. She's a pillar of support, my best friend who also feels like my sister and someone who sometimes understand me more than I understand myself. Naturally, I looked at her but she turned away and chased after someone else. Maybe someone that I pissed off prior to the eye contact.
In another scene, I was walking along, with a primary school classmate who I remembered was a premature baby. He was singing a lullaby that was supposed to calm me down but only made me felt more alone.
You thought the dream is bad. Reality seems equally bad. When I woke up, the overwhelming sense of stress hit me. I was not even at work and already I know that it's gonna be somewhat a shitty day because of all the bugs and glitches left hanging last week that we need to fix today.
I know I was very quiet this morning. There was so much going through my head but I couldn't find the right words to put them across. The result is a active mind and an unmotivated shell of mine.
True enough, this afternoon was a shipwrecked. We reached the deployment site late. The sales couldn't go as per normal because of a few issues that came altogether. I went into the situation expecting a large waves that I have to overcome one by one, but end up being hit by a tsunami wave.
I wasn't proud to say I broke down a little on site. But Shamil was a damn good support. He carried the fixing and responded to the team but I took some time to clear my mind to better think what I could do at that moment and what could we do to make future deployments smoother.
I am proud of myself though, for getting through and the ability to steer myself towards the positive side. Boss privately messaged me to clarify his intentions of the messages sent which I originally thought was harsh. That helped too.
I came to the conclusion that this workplace is crazy. But it's a crazy that I know will grind me to become better. I hope it's a crazy that I can match my crazy soul wavelength to (lol rare anime reference), and one that I can continue to handle.
My mind is totally exhausted now. So much so not even sleep can help now.
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