Some Things Just Ain't Meant To Be
Had a dream about Eddie, my first boyfriend.
Somehow I was at a friend’s gathering. Mainly with people I don’t know. Suddenly, a familiar face stepped into the house and he immediately came to hug me, calling my name. Everyone looked astounded, not expecting him to know me (I was being quite a loner at the gathering).
I know instantly who he is because his face didn’t change. The only thing was that he looked skinner. Much skinner, close to bones.
After he let go of me, the hosts started covering him up with layers of blanket because he was cold. It was obvious that he was sick and they knew. Apparently, the hosts and Eddie had knew each other for a long duration.
Socialising was tiring, especially since everyone knew everyone but me. I asked to retreat into a room to rest. I was lying on a mattress on the floor under the blanket when Eddie joined me, lying down next to me under the covers.
He started talking about how he knew them and why he’s like that. He was sick, and the host convinced him to join their religious praying for getting better. The reason why he hugged me was because it’s part of the requirements, to hug and give blessings instantly after stepping into the house after praying. He was surprised to see me and wanted to take the opportunity to greet me.
He said he didn’t actually like to hug anyone else and was happy he saw me. It made him more comfortable.
I didn’t know what to make of it. I remembered lying still and not knowing how to react to him. The pain of him walking out of my life came back and yet deep down I know I still cared for him.
Someone came into the room and saw us lying side by side. She asked if we were okay. I said we were fine and I was just resting because I felt really tired. The person left after that.
Still lying down beside me under the covers, he shared more about what he is doing, which is working in the army. There was a sense of vulnerability from him and I did appreciate how he was sharing about his life with me. He said the army gave him discount for a stay at Sentosa as part of the incentives for the good performance.
He invited me for a short staycation with him. I neither said yes or no immediately. But somehow, he managed to convince me to go with him. Not remembering that I have anything on later that evening, I said okay.
The next moment was us heading to Sentosa. It was happening there. There was a carnival with high tech roller coasters. The roller coaster could leap off the tracks on to another ramp and move backwards and leap back onto the tracks from the ramp. It was crowded and I was so intrigued by the rides.
He checked us in for two nights but I suddenly remembered that I had commitments. I needed to go home and couldn’t stay on. The disappointment on his face was blatant and it hurt me. The last thing I wanted to do was damaging further whatever little we had.
We talked while walking around the carnival. Me being me, I remembered lashing out on him because I couldn't hold it in anymore. I was angry at how he didn’t take care of himself and saying that he had no rights trying to treat me well after years from the time he walked out of my life selfishly and coldly without looking back.
He said he had no choice but he had missed me and not loved anyone else. He missed me every single day and was waiting for the day he could meet me again.
I said I missed him too and I still love him but I had moved on with another and I cherish the partner a lot. I asked why does he want to hurt me this way again.
He couldn’t understand why he was hurting me by treating me well at that moment. He said it’s okay that I moved on and he just wanted to spend time with me to make sure I am happy.
I wanted to move on from the sad conversation and so I said to either check out the room he had for us or take the rides. I believe we decided to head for the room because the rides were getting more crowded and both of us wanted peace to work our thoughts out. And at least talked to each other a bit more before our time is up.
The end to this dream was tragic though. We ended up being trapped at different location of the compound and were fighting to get back to each other but ended up in futile tries. Each time we did, something tore us apart again.
I woke up in one in one of the desperate attempts to escape the locked area. Back in reality, I felt an overwhelming emotions of pain and loss. The truth is, while I still miss his presence sometimes, he probably doesn't even give a shit about me, or think about me.
There will always be a place in my heart for him because I do love (not the romantic kind) and care for him. I wish him well and I want him to be healthy and successful.
That shows that some things were never meant to be ain’t it. Even in dreams.
This is so painful.
Somehow I was at a friend’s gathering. Mainly with people I don’t know. Suddenly, a familiar face stepped into the house and he immediately came to hug me, calling my name. Everyone looked astounded, not expecting him to know me (I was being quite a loner at the gathering).
I know instantly who he is because his face didn’t change. The only thing was that he looked skinner. Much skinner, close to bones.
After he let go of me, the hosts started covering him up with layers of blanket because he was cold. It was obvious that he was sick and they knew. Apparently, the hosts and Eddie had knew each other for a long duration.
Socialising was tiring, especially since everyone knew everyone but me. I asked to retreat into a room to rest. I was lying on a mattress on the floor under the blanket when Eddie joined me, lying down next to me under the covers.
He started talking about how he knew them and why he’s like that. He was sick, and the host convinced him to join their religious praying for getting better. The reason why he hugged me was because it’s part of the requirements, to hug and give blessings instantly after stepping into the house after praying. He was surprised to see me and wanted to take the opportunity to greet me.
He said he didn’t actually like to hug anyone else and was happy he saw me. It made him more comfortable.
I didn’t know what to make of it. I remembered lying still and not knowing how to react to him. The pain of him walking out of my life came back and yet deep down I know I still cared for him.
Someone came into the room and saw us lying side by side. She asked if we were okay. I said we were fine and I was just resting because I felt really tired. The person left after that.
Still lying down beside me under the covers, he shared more about what he is doing, which is working in the army. There was a sense of vulnerability from him and I did appreciate how he was sharing about his life with me. He said the army gave him discount for a stay at Sentosa as part of the incentives for the good performance.
He invited me for a short staycation with him. I neither said yes or no immediately. But somehow, he managed to convince me to go with him. Not remembering that I have anything on later that evening, I said okay.
The next moment was us heading to Sentosa. It was happening there. There was a carnival with high tech roller coasters. The roller coaster could leap off the tracks on to another ramp and move backwards and leap back onto the tracks from the ramp. It was crowded and I was so intrigued by the rides.
He checked us in for two nights but I suddenly remembered that I had commitments. I needed to go home and couldn’t stay on. The disappointment on his face was blatant and it hurt me. The last thing I wanted to do was damaging further whatever little we had.
We talked while walking around the carnival. Me being me, I remembered lashing out on him because I couldn't hold it in anymore. I was angry at how he didn’t take care of himself and saying that he had no rights trying to treat me well after years from the time he walked out of my life selfishly and coldly without looking back.
He said he had no choice but he had missed me and not loved anyone else. He missed me every single day and was waiting for the day he could meet me again.
I said I missed him too and I still love him but I had moved on with another and I cherish the partner a lot. I asked why does he want to hurt me this way again.
He couldn’t understand why he was hurting me by treating me well at that moment. He said it’s okay that I moved on and he just wanted to spend time with me to make sure I am happy.
I wanted to move on from the sad conversation and so I said to either check out the room he had for us or take the rides. I believe we decided to head for the room because the rides were getting more crowded and both of us wanted peace to work our thoughts out. And at least talked to each other a bit more before our time is up.
The end to this dream was tragic though. We ended up being trapped at different location of the compound and were fighting to get back to each other but ended up in futile tries. Each time we did, something tore us apart again.
I woke up in one in one of the desperate attempts to escape the locked area. Back in reality, I felt an overwhelming emotions of pain and loss. The truth is, while I still miss his presence sometimes, he probably doesn't even give a shit about me, or think about me.
There will always be a place in my heart for him because I do love (not the romantic kind) and care for him. I wish him well and I want him to be healthy and successful.
That shows that some things were never meant to be ain’t it. Even in dreams.
This is so painful.
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