25th Oct 2018: Losing Confidence at Work
Insecurities have been filling up inside me recently. I woke up this morning feeling extremely affected by my dream. In my dream, Lotti was sharing a conversation Boss has on-going with her. He was ranting and ranting about how I have been performing badly. The same way he ranted about the ex Manager.
Perhaps it's my karma for ranting about the ex Manager. Regardless, the dream is a reflection of how I have been truly feeling.
Lotti and I are juggling with different projects at work. She is managing one big one that consists of many parties to liaise with. I am tasked with various small to medium projects to keep track of and follow up.
Boss has been singing praises about how well Lotti is managing and has been giving her heavier responsibilities and managerial role. I'm really happy for her. Happy because she seems happier working here than her previous workplace. Happy because I didn't let Boss down by introducing Lotti to him.
At the same time, I am also disappointed at myself. Maybe I am subconsciously (or even consciously) comparing myself to Lotti, I don't know. I feel like she's been helping the team more than I ever can. In less than 2 weeks, I'll be away for 2 weeks. Somehow, I feel that a lot is going to change when I am back and perhaps I will become obsolete in the team.
Just to be clear, I am very sure that this is jealousy that I feel. If anything, it's just feeling inferior and feeling the helplessness of not knowing what I can do to improve and better my position / contributions in the team.
I'm just feeling lost. Feel the need to cry and let it out (am I weak lol), not because I feel mentally exhausted, but because the feeling of not being good enough is back to haunt me. On the contrary though, I am feeling motivated to become better. I just don't know where to start, how to go about it, and chained down by the lack of confidence to achieve that improvement.
Guessing what I really need now is affirmation and the beacon of light to lead my way.
---
Feelings aside, Lenson and I went for dinner date after work. It's the second time we ate at Hot Tomato. To which we came to the same conclusion (I believe) as the previous time we went -- that the food is good but the portion is small.
It has been a hectic day at work. I feel like I am already maxing out my time and energy but yet there's still so much uncompleted work.
Hopefully, I'll be able to finish preparing the stuff needed for Boss and Lotti to keep watch over the project in order for it to be smooth sailing.
Perhaps it's my karma for ranting about the ex Manager. Regardless, the dream is a reflection of how I have been truly feeling.
Lotti and I are juggling with different projects at work. She is managing one big one that consists of many parties to liaise with. I am tasked with various small to medium projects to keep track of and follow up.
Boss has been singing praises about how well Lotti is managing and has been giving her heavier responsibilities and managerial role. I'm really happy for her. Happy because she seems happier working here than her previous workplace. Happy because I didn't let Boss down by introducing Lotti to him.
At the same time, I am also disappointed at myself. Maybe I am subconsciously (or even consciously) comparing myself to Lotti, I don't know. I feel like she's been helping the team more than I ever can. In less than 2 weeks, I'll be away for 2 weeks. Somehow, I feel that a lot is going to change when I am back and perhaps I will become obsolete in the team.
Just to be clear, I am very sure that this is jealousy that I feel. If anything, it's just feeling inferior and feeling the helplessness of not knowing what I can do to improve and better my position / contributions in the team.
I'm just feeling lost. Feel the need to cry and let it out (am I weak lol), not because I feel mentally exhausted, but because the feeling of not being good enough is back to haunt me. On the contrary though, I am feeling motivated to become better. I just don't know where to start, how to go about it, and chained down by the lack of confidence to achieve that improvement.
Guessing what I really need now is affirmation and the beacon of light to lead my way.
---
Feelings aside, Lenson and I went for dinner date after work. It's the second time we ate at Hot Tomato. To which we came to the same conclusion (I believe) as the previous time we went -- that the food is good but the portion is small.
It has been a hectic day at work. I feel like I am already maxing out my time and energy but yet there's still so much uncompleted work.
Hopefully, I'll be able to finish preparing the stuff needed for Boss and Lotti to keep watch over the project in order for it to be smooth sailing.
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